WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:02.530 - [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California, 2 00:00:02.530 --> 00:00:04.340 the only news team that doesn't know 3 00:00:04.340 --> 00:00:07.050 what's on the teleprompter before they read it. 4 00:00:07.050 --> 00:00:10.200 Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. 5 00:00:10.200 --> 00:00:12.567 This is Breaking News. 6 00:00:12.567 --> 00:00:14.380 (dramatic news jingle) 7 00:00:14.380 --> 00:00:16.940 - Good evening, and welcome to Breaking News. 8 00:00:16.940 --> 00:00:18.990 - The news show where we don't know what we're about to say, 9 00:00:18.990 --> 00:00:21.880 and we're not allowed to smile or laugh. 10 00:00:21.880 --> 00:00:23.490 I'm Handsome Trey O'Donovan. 11 00:00:23.490 --> 00:00:26.110 - And I'm Kelly Handsome Murano. 12 00:00:26.110 --> 00:00:27.740 Spring has officially sprung, 13 00:00:27.740 --> 00:00:29.400 which means music festival goers 14 00:00:29.400 --> 00:00:32.150 are gearing up to lose their shoes and kiss a stranger 15 00:00:32.150 --> 00:00:34.700 at summer bashes across the country. 16 00:00:34.700 --> 00:00:36.500 - Tonight we cover some of the newest fests 17 00:00:36.500 --> 00:00:37.333 to hit the scene. 18 00:00:37.333 --> 00:00:40.088 First up, it's the dark cousin of SantaCon, 19 00:00:40.088 --> 00:00:42.040 The Babadook: The Festival. 20 00:00:42.040 --> 00:00:44.760 Thousands of Babadook fans, or Dookies, 21 00:00:44.760 --> 00:00:47.360 will don top hats and make jazz hands scary 22 00:00:47.360 --> 00:00:49.350 while stalking around an empty parking lot 23 00:00:49.350 --> 00:00:51.030 seeing who can smile bigger. 24 00:00:51.030 --> 00:00:53.490 - Featuring local DJs GarbageRubbish 25 00:00:53.490 --> 00:00:56.250 and the artist formerly known as Uncle Steve. 26 00:00:56.250 --> 00:00:58.550 The Babadook: The Festival will be headlined 27 00:00:58.550 --> 00:01:01.463 by noise musician and national mystery, The Goat. 28 00:01:01.463 --> 00:01:03.710 - Now, is he a goat or is he a man? 29 00:01:03.710 --> 00:01:07.231 Only when you hear his winny will you know. 30 00:01:07.231 --> 00:01:09.200 - Ooh, dark stuff, Trey. 31 00:01:09.200 --> 00:01:11.550 Now if you're in San Francisco over Memorial Day, 32 00:01:11.550 --> 00:01:13.973 suit up, or should I say suit off, for 33 00:01:13.973 --> 00:01:15.800 (claps) Cream Town. 34 00:01:15.800 --> 00:01:17.480 That's right, it's the nation's first 35 00:01:17.480 --> 00:01:20.540 nudist festival slash ice cream museum. 36 00:01:20.540 --> 00:01:22.780 Cream Town enthusiasts, or creamers, 37 00:01:22.780 --> 00:01:23.970 are invited to strip down 38 00:01:23.970 --> 00:01:25.970 and jump into the vats of rocky road 39 00:01:25.970 --> 00:01:30.040 all while jamming out to 112's hit single Peaches n' Cream. 40 00:01:30.040 --> 00:01:32.420 - I need it, cause you know that I'm a fiend. 41 00:01:32.420 --> 00:01:34.320 - And it's even better when it's with ice cream, 42 00:01:34.320 --> 00:01:36.390 as the founders of Cream Town won't hesitate 43 00:01:36.390 --> 00:01:38.050 to drop trou and tell ya'. 44 00:01:38.050 --> 00:01:40.310 - Other festivals to debut this summer include 45 00:01:40.310 --> 00:01:44.620 Gooberpatoober, Lollapalooza's baby-centric bash. 46 00:01:44.620 --> 00:01:47.600 The East Coast Seafarer's Shanty Group Sing at Sea. 47 00:01:47.600 --> 00:01:48.433 - Can't miss it. 48 00:01:48.433 --> 00:01:49.402 - And Brexit. 49 00:01:49.402 --> 00:01:51.610 (hosts laughing) 50 00:01:51.610 --> 00:01:54.960 - We now hand it over to Lindsey McCullen with books! 51 00:01:54.960 --> 00:01:56.320 - Hi, I'm Lindsey McCullen. 52 00:01:56.320 --> 00:01:57.820 Big news in books tonight. 53 00:01:57.820 --> 00:01:59.190 Elizabeth Gilbert, author of 54 00:01:59.190 --> 00:02:01.250 national bestseller Eat Pray Love, 55 00:02:01.250 --> 00:02:03.630 has announced a release for her new book, 56 00:02:03.630 --> 00:02:05.010 Drink Fuck Sleep, 57 00:02:05.010 --> 00:02:06.910 Tales from the International Hook-up Scene. 58 00:02:06.910 --> 00:02:09.900 Sounds like ol' Liz was doing more than just soul searching 59 00:02:09.900 --> 00:02:11.410 on her big divorce vacation. 60 00:02:11.410 --> 00:02:13.420 Next up, it's magazines. 61 00:02:13.420 --> 00:02:15.420 Fun to read if you can hold on to them. 62 00:02:15.420 --> 00:02:18.020 These slippery newspapers are hotter than ever, 63 00:02:18.020 --> 00:02:22.140 as media giant Condoleza Nast will be the first to tell you. 64 00:02:22.140 --> 00:02:23.800 After reviews calling The New Yorker 65 00:02:23.800 --> 00:02:26.070 a perfect bathroom read, 66 00:02:26.070 --> 00:02:28.290 the company announced plans for a new quarterly 67 00:02:28.290 --> 00:02:30.940 written exclusively for shitting. 68 00:02:30.940 --> 00:02:33.190 Shit Mag will feature uplifting poems 69 00:02:33.190 --> 00:02:34.910 to get you through a tough crap, 70 00:02:34.910 --> 00:02:37.220 gritty photojournalism of the city's buttholes, 71 00:02:37.220 --> 00:02:40.210 and several profiles of Lena Dunham. 72 00:02:40.210 --> 00:02:41.840 When asked about this new project, 73 00:02:41.840 --> 00:02:44.610 the CEO of Condoleza Nast laughed heartily 74 00:02:44.610 --> 00:02:47.290 and responded, what can I say? 75 00:02:47.290 --> 00:02:48.920 Ass is in. 76 00:02:48.920 --> 00:02:51.550 And finally, cookbook fans will love this new offering 77 00:02:51.550 --> 00:02:54.480 from the team that brought you 30-Minute Meals. 78 00:02:54.480 --> 00:02:56.060 It's 2-Second Snacks. 79 00:02:56.060 --> 00:02:58.290 Recipes include just grabbing a stick of celery, 80 00:02:58.290 --> 00:03:00.740 taking a bite out of your friend Harry's sandwich, 81 00:03:00.740 --> 00:03:02.270 and also nuts. 82 00:03:02.270 --> 00:03:03.410 That's it for books. 83 00:03:03.410 --> 00:03:05.110 I'll be back next week to discuss 84 00:03:05.110 --> 00:03:08.400 Shaggy's much awaited memoir, It Was Me. 85 00:03:08.400 --> 00:03:09.260 - Thanks Lindsey. 86 00:03:09.260 --> 00:03:10.970 That Lindsey, what a journalist. 87 00:03:10.970 --> 00:03:12.030 - Top of the line. 88 00:03:12.030 --> 00:03:12.863 - Well look at that! 89 00:03:12.863 --> 00:03:14.810 Looks like we've got some breaking news. 90 00:03:14.810 --> 00:03:15.720 - Should we break it, Trey? 91 00:03:15.720 --> 00:03:17.328 - Let's break it, Kel! 92 00:03:17.328 --> 00:03:19.390 We now go live to Roger Baskin-Lee 93 00:03:19.390 --> 00:03:21.920 at Debbie's Curbside Diner, Roger? 94 00:03:21.920 --> 00:03:24.160 - I'm here at Debbie's Curbside Diner 95 00:03:24.160 --> 00:03:26.050 where Debbie has just set a new record 96 00:03:26.050 --> 00:03:28.630 for most stupidly long diner menu. 97 00:03:28.630 --> 00:03:29.463 - Wow! 98 00:03:29.463 --> 00:03:30.296 - That's right Kelly. 99 00:03:30.296 --> 00:03:32.340 This menu, oh boy, it's long. 100 00:03:32.340 --> 00:03:33.470 Debbie has a unique strategy, 101 00:03:33.470 --> 00:03:35.200 and let me tell you, it is dumb as hell. 102 00:03:35.200 --> 00:03:36.470 She lists every possible ingredient 103 00:03:36.470 --> 00:03:38.450 including what's not in the dish. 104 00:03:38.450 --> 00:03:40.940 When I visited I had the Not a Turkey Club, 105 00:03:40.940 --> 00:03:42.500 a turkey club but with chicken, no bread, 106 00:03:42.500 --> 00:03:44.730 and a full head of lettuce on the side. 107 00:03:44.730 --> 00:03:46.600 - That sounds like chicken and lettuce. 108 00:03:46.600 --> 00:03:48.360 - It was chicken and lettuce, but my god, 109 00:03:48.360 --> 00:03:49.780 the journey to get there. 110 00:03:49.780 --> 00:03:52.100 Other items include 2 eggs any style but poached, 111 00:03:52.100 --> 00:03:53.800 California health salad no veggies, 112 00:03:53.800 --> 00:03:55.710 and the everything and nothing bagel, 113 00:03:55.710 --> 00:03:56.700 which as far as I can tell is just 114 00:03:56.700 --> 00:03:58.560 a pile of cream cheese on a saucer. 115 00:03:58.560 --> 00:04:00.250 Potential customers, gear up for a long wait, 116 00:04:00.250 --> 00:04:01.840 because you bet it takes about an hour 117 00:04:01.840 --> 00:04:03.240 to decipher this damn thing. 118 00:04:03.240 --> 00:04:04.810 Those not up for the challenge have responded 119 00:04:04.810 --> 00:04:08.110 by shouting fuck this, Jason, put your sister in the car, 120 00:04:08.110 --> 00:04:09.400 we're going to Big Boy's! 121 00:04:09.400 --> 00:04:10.550 - Ooh, burn. 122 00:04:10.550 --> 00:04:12.090 - Big burn, Trey, big burn. 123 00:04:12.090 --> 00:04:14.520 Debbie's system, though infuriating to customers, 124 00:04:14.520 --> 00:04:16.584 has earned her two Michelin stars. 125 00:04:16.584 --> 00:04:17.980 - Congratulations, Debbie! 126 00:04:17.980 --> 00:04:21.250 And thank you, Roger, for that razor sharp reporting. 127 00:04:21.250 --> 00:04:23.610 That concludes another episode of Breaking News. 128 00:04:23.610 --> 00:04:24.620 We had fun, didn't we? 129 00:04:24.620 --> 00:04:25.453 - We sure did. 130 00:04:25.453 --> 00:04:28.160 Hat's off to this week's loser, me! 131 00:04:28.160 --> 00:04:29.350 - [Caldwell] Great work, hey. 132 00:04:29.350 --> 00:04:30.183 Fantastic job. 133 00:04:30.183 --> 00:04:31.160 - [Ryan] Thank you so much. 134 00:04:31.160 --> 00:04:31.993 - [Caldwell] You're a failure. 135 00:04:31.993 --> 00:04:32.826 - I lost. 136 00:04:32.826 --> 00:04:34.620 - Great to have you lose in here, Ryan. 137 00:04:34.620 --> 00:04:36.863 - Touch it, touch it, touch it! 138 00:04:38.560 --> 00:04:39.510 - Now that's news. 139 00:04:39.510 --> 00:04:40.970 - Now that's losing. 140 00:04:40.970 --> 00:04:42.020 - Now that's a loser.