WEBVTT

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- [Announcer] From West
Hollywood, California,

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the only news team that doesn't know

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what's on the teleprompter
before they read it.

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Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.

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This is Breaking News.

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(dramatic music)

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- I think Scottie Pippen
can dunk me easily.

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- Pippen?

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- Yeah.

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- Scottie Pippen?

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- Yeah.

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Good evening, and
welcome to Breaking News.

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- The show where we don't
know what we're about to say

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and we are aren't allowed
to smile or laugh.

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- I'm a cat, but you can
call me Potato for short.

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- And I'm,

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(imitates belching)

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(snickers)

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the 2nd.

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- Coming up tonight, researchers ask,

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could not getting enough
sleep be making you Italian?

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- And, a new study predicts
that TikTok will get old fast.

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- But first, rub-a-dub-dub,
is that a turd in my tub?

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(snickering)

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(laughing)

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- Today, Grace, the lady soap company,

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is under fire for releasing

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(laughing)

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a new campaign calling all
women "nasty little goblins".

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- Yes, this morning,

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their social media accounts
posted a picture of a goblin,

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and then tweeted the words,

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"All women,

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- [Both] "are this."

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(snickers)

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- According to Grace,

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the message was meant to be empowering

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and encourage women to embrace, quote,

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"Their tiny little goblin toes

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and huge honking goblin titties."

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- This is especially
concerning for body positivity

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advocates as well as parents, like myself.

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To my daughter, if you are watching,

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you are not a goblin, big or small.

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You are a beautiful scaly
lizard, and that is enough.

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- The company has yet to
apologize for the post,

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adding that all women are goblins,

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and all goblins are beautiful.

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- Thank you.

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(belches)

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(snickers)

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- That wasn't fake.

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(giggles)

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It's,

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(imitates belching)

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- I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to

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(laughing)

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interrupt you.

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We're getting some breaking news

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from the SCRIPPS National Spelling Bee.

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We go live to our man in the
street, Claustrophobic Nick.

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What are you seeing, Claustro?

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- W-E-I-N-N-N-E-R.

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Is that how you spell winner?

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Only the new SCRIPPS National Spelling Bee

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champion would know.

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Today, an eight-year-old
won the annual competition

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after successfully
spelling the word "ass".

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- What was the word, Claustro?

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- Ass, defined as "the ass
is the ass of the backside".

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- Oh, that's a tough one.

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How do you even spell that?

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- Well, throughout the competition,

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contestants repeatedly
spelled it incorrectly.

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Some spelled it B-U-T-T.

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Some spelled it P-O-O-P-H-O-L-E.

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But the correct spelling
was in fact, A-N-U-S.

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- Wow, wow. Wow.

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- Wow is right.

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Plus, just before that,

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the boy genius also correctly
also correctly spelled

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the words "Val Kilmer".

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A mystery word that only pigs know.

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And the entire first page of the Bible.

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How did he do it?

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I have no idea, because I'm illiterate.

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- Thank you Claustro.

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In other news, the
oldest woman in the world

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was born today at 800 pounds

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(laughing)

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and six ounces.

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- Plus, for the first
time in over a century,

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an iguana has won Biggest Goat Contest.

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- And more on anything but that,

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we turn to Big Pants on the weather.

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Over to you, Big Pants.

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- Thanks Potato.

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Actually wanted to start out
by making some corrections

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to yesterday's weather report.

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Firstly, I wanted to
apologize for ending the night

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by screaming,

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"Dig your grave now, because
Lady Earth is hungry."

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I also should clarify that I
did indeed repeatedly mix up

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the terms "El niño and "La lalorna".

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Which is to say there will be no rain,

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but a terrifying female
ghost will be terrorizing us

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for the next few days.

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- Very informative, Big Pants.

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I'll get my gun.

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- Also, I'd like to thank
everyone who sent in submissions

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to name our next hurricane.

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Finalists include: Hurricane
Sky Piss, Hurricane Ansel,

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Hurricane Big Piss, and Hurricane Lance.

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- Okay.

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- And, finally if you have allergies

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you should definitely stay inside

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because there is a pack
of wild dogs of the loose.

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(barks)

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- Well, that's all the time we have.

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Tune in tomorrow for a special
edition on outer space.

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- We ask: Awoo! Oh.

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(howls)

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Did those dogs the Soviets shot into space

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back in 1957 get hot?

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- And, Houston?

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We have a problematic bitch.

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Why the Mars rover will not
stop begging NASA for more beef.

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- Before we go,

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we should announce that
this week's loser is,

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- Tao!

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- Aw come on. Are we sure?

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- [Both] Thanks for watching.

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- Why is Katie saying it?

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- Yeah, where did she come from?

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(howling)