WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.180 --> 00:00:02.530 - [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California, 2 00:00:02.530 --> 00:00:04.340 the only news team that doesn't know 3 00:00:04.340 --> 00:00:07.060 what's on the teleprompter before they read it. 4 00:00:07.060 --> 00:00:10.190 Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. 5 00:00:10.190 --> 00:00:12.683 This is Breaking News. 6 00:00:14.180 --> 00:00:15.500 - Hello, and welcome to Breaking News, 7 00:00:15.500 --> 00:00:17.130 the show where we don't know what we're about to say 8 00:00:17.130 --> 00:00:18.880 and we're not allowed to smile or laugh. 9 00:00:18.880 --> 00:00:20.450 I'm Doug Smuggles. 10 00:00:20.450 --> 00:00:22.993 - And I'm Tillikum the Whale from Blackfish. 11 00:00:24.600 --> 00:00:26.250 - Tonight the New York Philharmonic is playing 12 00:00:26.250 --> 00:00:28.140 a special concert with noted composer 13 00:00:28.140 --> 00:00:30.420 Beans Beans, the Musical Fruit. 14 00:00:30.420 --> 00:00:32.210 - And later, we ask the question: 15 00:00:32.210 --> 00:00:34.120 Where have all the cowboys gone? 16 00:00:34.120 --> 00:00:38.050 - Da doo doo, da doo doo, da doo, da doo doo. 17 00:00:38.050 --> 00:00:40.250 - But first: Move over Bennifer, 18 00:00:40.250 --> 00:00:44.040 goodbye Bey-Z, eat shit Rupaul Giamatti! 19 00:00:44.040 --> 00:00:46.330 There's a hot new celebrity power couple 20 00:00:46.330 --> 00:00:49.340 that puts the three-slash-six of you to shame. 21 00:00:49.340 --> 00:00:50.173 - That's right. 22 00:00:50.173 --> 00:00:52.330 Teen heart-throb Helen Mirren is shacking up 23 00:00:52.330 --> 00:00:54.360 with The Owls of Ga'Hoole. 24 00:00:54.360 --> 00:00:58.073 It's a power couple fans have named "Hel'Hoole." 25 00:00:58.073 --> 00:01:00.730 - Talk about a who's who of Ga'Hoole! 26 00:01:00.730 --> 00:01:01.563 - I will! 27 00:01:01.563 --> 00:01:05.140 If you hear a "hoo hoo hoo" sound, don't be deceived. 28 00:01:05.140 --> 00:01:07.110 That's not a Baja Man, 29 00:01:07.110 --> 00:01:08.850 that's Hel'Hoole, baby! 30 00:01:08.850 --> 00:01:10.090 What a couple, they are. 31 00:01:10.090 --> 00:01:11.960 - One is America's sweetheart, 32 00:01:11.960 --> 00:01:13.740 the other is Helen Mirren. 33 00:01:13.740 --> 00:01:16.100 Together they're a swirling mass of feathers 34 00:01:16.100 --> 00:01:20.340 and absolute class that won't stop shrieking. 35 00:01:20.340 --> 00:01:22.230 - It's sure keeping me awake! 36 00:01:22.230 --> 00:01:24.250 Mirren met with the shreeching night birds 37 00:01:24.250 --> 00:01:25.973 of her hometown of Ga'Hoole. 38 00:01:27.000 --> 00:01:29.610 Since then the two have been spitting out 39 00:01:29.610 --> 00:01:30.960 dozens of new projects 40 00:01:30.960 --> 00:01:33.680 and masses of indigestible fur and bones. 41 00:01:33.680 --> 00:01:34.870 - Crunch, crunch! 42 00:01:34.870 --> 00:01:36.560 That's something a fourth grader would love 43 00:01:36.560 --> 00:01:38.810 to dissect for a crappy science project. 44 00:01:38.810 --> 00:01:40.170 - You're telling me! 45 00:01:40.170 --> 00:01:42.410 I mean what are they even testing? 46 00:01:42.410 --> 00:01:43.870 - You heard it here first, folks. 47 00:01:43.870 --> 00:01:46.950 Owl pellets of Ga'Hoole aren't science. 48 00:01:46.950 --> 00:01:48.580 - Well, at this point we've said "Ga'Hoole" 49 00:01:48.580 --> 00:01:49.970 so much that it's lost all meaning. 50 00:01:49.970 --> 00:01:51.800 - So it's time to toss it on over 51 00:01:51.800 --> 00:01:53.220 to our eye in the sky, 52 00:01:53.220 --> 00:01:55.960 the King of Ding, the Master of Plaster: 53 00:01:55.960 --> 00:01:59.580 Dildo Baggins, who will be reporting on sports 54 00:01:59.580 --> 00:02:00.900 for some reason today. 55 00:02:00.900 --> 00:02:01.733 Dildo? 56 00:02:01.733 --> 00:02:03.700 - Thanks, Tillikum the Whale from Blackfish. 57 00:02:03.700 --> 00:02:05.740 Well the Phillie Phanatic is being replaced 58 00:02:05.740 --> 00:02:07.920 by the Phillie Phundamentalist. 59 00:02:07.920 --> 00:02:09.307 He had this to say. 60 00:02:09.307 --> 00:02:10.187 "Honk, honk! 61 00:02:10.187 --> 00:02:11.787 "Those who do not root for the Phillies 62 00:02:11.787 --> 00:02:13.237 "shall be cast into the pit, 63 00:02:13.237 --> 00:02:15.677 "their bones ground into dust, 64 00:02:15.677 --> 00:02:18.297 "their soul boiled in a lake of acid. 65 00:02:18.297 --> 00:02:19.337 "Honk, honk! 66 00:02:19.337 --> 00:02:21.952 "Praise Odubel Herrera, our Savior! 67 00:02:21.952 --> 00:02:23.500 "Honk, honk!" 68 00:02:23.500 --> 00:02:24.333 - Powerful stuff. 69 00:02:24.333 --> 00:02:25.250 - Indeed. 70 00:02:25.250 --> 00:02:27.680 In other news the LA Lakers suffered a loss against 71 00:02:27.680 --> 00:02:29.410 the Denver Broncos because they were playing 72 00:02:29.410 --> 00:02:31.040 two different sports. 73 00:02:31.040 --> 00:02:32.720 Many lives were lost. 74 00:02:32.720 --> 00:02:35.600 Something happened in NASCAR, but who gives a shit? 75 00:02:35.600 --> 00:02:37.750 And good news for people who like bad moves: 76 00:02:37.750 --> 00:02:40.940 There's a sequel coming to the 1994 movie "Little Giants" 77 00:02:40.940 --> 00:02:42.910 called "Little Patriots." 78 00:02:42.910 --> 00:02:44.900 It's about a football team of misfit kids 79 00:02:44.900 --> 00:02:49.112 who find victory through constant, constant cheating. 80 00:02:49.112 --> 00:02:53.070 And get ready for the XPGA - an extreme golf league. 81 00:02:53.070 --> 00:02:53.930 No matter what you like, 82 00:02:53.930 --> 00:02:56.440 you're guaranteed to hate extreme golf. 83 00:02:56.440 --> 00:02:57.830 That's it for the sport report. 84 00:02:57.830 --> 00:03:00.760 I'm Dildo Baggins, bagging dildos since 1942. 85 00:03:01.690 --> 00:03:03.390 - That's experience I can trust. 86 00:03:03.390 --> 00:03:05.700 - I'm sorry to interrupt, but we're not getting word 87 00:03:05.700 --> 00:03:08.690 of breaking news developing in the world of yesterday. 88 00:03:08.690 --> 00:03:11.950 For more on this we turn to our reporter in the field, 89 00:03:11.950 --> 00:03:13.560 Billabong Thornton. 90 00:03:13.560 --> 00:03:16.270 Billabong, what's going on down there? 91 00:03:16.270 --> 00:03:19.770 - The year is 1847, America has just won 92 00:03:19.770 --> 00:03:21.380 it's war against the sea, 93 00:03:21.380 --> 00:03:24.210 a strange new music called Ska-But-It's-Good 94 00:03:24.210 --> 00:03:25.870 is sweeping the nation, 95 00:03:25.870 --> 00:03:28.030 and everywhere people are doing a dance 96 00:03:28.030 --> 00:03:29.740 called "The Jazzy Taint." 97 00:03:29.740 --> 00:03:31.350 It's a disaster. 98 00:03:31.350 --> 00:03:34.050 People just won't stop doing this dance. 99 00:03:34.050 --> 00:03:36.450 Even an order by the President, the cruel 100 00:03:36.450 --> 00:03:39.740 but sensual Angeline von Tooft was not enough 101 00:03:39.740 --> 00:03:42.370 to stop the scourge of the Jazzy Taint. 102 00:03:42.370 --> 00:03:44.850 The economy collapsed as factory workers, 103 00:03:44.850 --> 00:03:47.690 bankers, even the cruel but sensual Longshormen 104 00:03:47.690 --> 00:03:51.060 stopped all work to do the ol' Jazzy Taint. 105 00:03:51.060 --> 00:03:52.850 Unemployment skyrocketed, 106 00:03:52.850 --> 00:03:56.140 thousands starved, and millions moved west 107 00:03:56.140 --> 00:03:59.310 to the cruel but sensual Pacific Ocean. 108 00:03:59.310 --> 00:04:03.270 All for the sake of the Jazzy Taint. 109 00:04:03.270 --> 00:04:06.770 A pretty little number that I'm gonna explain: 110 00:04:06.770 --> 00:04:10.160 Take your right foot and step and step to the left, 111 00:04:10.160 --> 00:04:13.180 take your left foot and step to the right. 112 00:04:13.180 --> 00:04:16.840 Now take your taint and add some jazz. 113 00:04:16.840 --> 00:04:18.111 - That's catchy. 114 00:04:18.111 --> 00:04:20.500 I can see how that took over the country. 115 00:04:20.500 --> 00:04:24.120 - Yes it's funky, but fresh, cruel but sensual. 116 00:04:24.120 --> 00:04:25.070 - Indeed. 117 00:04:25.070 --> 00:04:27.660 Well, keep us informed with any updates. 118 00:04:27.660 --> 00:04:29.320 Before we go, we should tell you 119 00:04:29.320 --> 00:04:31.590 that this week's loser is Grant. 120 00:04:31.590 --> 00:04:32.800 What a chump! 121 00:04:32.800 --> 00:04:35.050 - Well that sounds, that sounds right. 122 00:04:35.050 --> 00:04:35.883 - Mm-hmm. 123 00:04:35.883 --> 00:04:37.560 - I tell you, before we actually jump out, 124 00:04:37.560 --> 00:04:40.720 I'd love to see a little bit of a Jazzy Taint getting done. 125 00:04:40.720 --> 00:04:44.170 - Take your right foot and step to the left. 126 00:04:44.170 --> 00:04:47.660 Take your left foot and step to the right. 127 00:04:47.660 --> 00:04:51.640 Then you tell your taint to do some jazz. 128 00:04:51.640 --> 00:04:52.803 - My taint won't jazz.