WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.120 --> 00:00:02.440 - [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California, 00:00:02.440 --> 00:00:04.250 the only news team that doesn't know 00:00:04.250 --> 00:00:06.960 what's on the teleprompter before they read it. 00:00:06.960 --> 00:00:10.100 Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. 00:00:10.100 --> 00:00:12.593 This is Breaking News. 00:00:14.090 --> 00:00:15.310 - Welcome to Breaking News, 00:00:15.310 --> 00:00:17.050 where none of us know what we're about to say 00:00:17.050 --> 00:00:18.920 and we're not allowed to smile or laugh. 00:00:18.920 --> 00:00:19.860 Live from the studio, 00:00:19.860 --> 00:00:21.414 I'm Little Rummy Tum Tum. 00:00:21.414 --> 00:00:23.176 - And I'm Beaver Cleveland. 00:00:23.176 --> 00:00:24.740 - Oh, God. 00:00:24.740 --> 00:00:26.150 - Our top story of the night, 00:00:26.150 --> 00:00:29.880 how to make your house a Home Depot? 00:00:29.880 --> 00:00:32.750 A Philadelphia man sold everything he loved and cherished, 00:00:32.750 --> 00:00:34.730 including two of his three kids, 00:00:34.730 --> 00:00:37.110 to open his very own lumber yard. 00:00:37.110 --> 00:00:39.410 - Home Dep-no. 00:00:39.410 --> 00:00:42.270 - Eye witnesses say they say this balding batty 00:00:42.270 --> 00:00:45.620 just hurling shit out of his one-story colonial ranch. 00:00:45.620 --> 00:00:48.670 Two bed, two bath complete with a very messy basement 00:00:48.670 --> 00:00:49.700 in order to make room. 00:00:49.700 --> 00:00:51.030 - His neighbors are running around 00:00:51.030 --> 00:00:52.590 screaming at all hours of the day 00:00:52.590 --> 00:00:55.110 in fear that he'll try to take their colonial homes 00:00:55.110 --> 00:00:57.640 down the same screwy path. 00:00:57.640 --> 00:01:00.250 - How many neighbors do you think he's got? 00:01:00.250 --> 00:01:01.960 - No less than 12, Beaver. 00:01:01.960 --> 00:01:05.780 - Whoo-ee, that's too many Home Depots for one block, Rum. 00:01:05.780 --> 00:01:08.340 - As someone who has Home Depot memorabilia 00:01:08.340 --> 00:01:12.720 all scattered throughout my sad, sad duplex, 00:01:12.720 --> 00:01:14.570 I still have to agree. 00:01:14.570 --> 00:01:17.730 With tears in my eyes, I agree. 00:01:17.730 --> 00:01:18.570 - Now with the weather, 00:01:18.570 --> 00:01:21.493 our completely underqualified meteorologist, Fluffy Zoosh. 00:01:22.640 --> 00:01:23.473 Fluffy? 00:01:23.473 --> 00:01:25.530 - Happy to be here team. 00:01:25.530 --> 00:01:28.060 This week is gonna be a wild one. 00:01:28.060 --> 00:01:30.560 First, it's gonna rain for 48 hours 00:01:30.560 --> 00:01:33.333 but only over Northmont, Arkansas. 00:01:33.333 --> 00:01:36.280 In weather college, we're taught 00:01:37.320 --> 00:01:40.187 to call this strange instance 00:01:40.187 --> 00:01:42.957 "God pissing somewhere it deserved". 00:01:44.040 --> 00:01:46.460 Make sure to stay indoors and sandbag your windows. 00:01:46.460 --> 00:01:49.330 And lace up those galoshes because it's soak time. 00:01:49.330 --> 00:01:50.620 - God's piss, huh? 00:01:50.620 --> 00:01:51.560 - 100 percent. 00:01:51.560 --> 00:01:54.120 It's a grade A deity urine, baby. 00:01:54.120 --> 00:01:57.240 As we all know, Northmont, Arkansas residents 00:01:57.240 --> 00:01:59.290 just fucking hate moisture. 00:01:59.290 --> 00:02:01.660 Last time this happened, you could hear their screaming 00:02:01.660 --> 00:02:03.580 all the way into Idaho. 00:02:03.580 --> 00:02:05.257 Just a bunch of whiners yelling, 00:02:05.257 --> 00:02:07.487 "Quit giving us tinkle, Father", 00:02:07.487 --> 00:02:09.310 "It sure don't taste like urine", 00:02:09.310 --> 00:02:11.850 and my personal favorite, "Fuck". 00:02:11.850 --> 00:02:14.840 - That's my favorite too, fuck! 00:02:14.840 --> 00:02:16.970 - Once the rain ceases, it's gonna be cloudy as shit 00:02:16.970 --> 00:02:19.670 but also hot, a real nasty combo 00:02:19.670 --> 00:02:22.730 like the number four Hot Jack's spicy shrimp. 00:02:22.730 --> 00:02:26.213 We're talking dense clouds too, real thick buddies. 00:02:30.090 --> 00:02:32.640 Cold fatties, but don't worry Northmonthos, 00:02:32.640 --> 00:02:34.290 curvy idiots will just part 00:02:34.290 --> 00:02:36.787 right in time for the solstice, so you can have your 00:02:36.787 --> 00:02:39.380 "hurl a neighbor into the sun festival". 00:02:39.380 --> 00:02:40.670 All hail the God of sun. 00:02:40.670 --> 00:02:41.940 May she be appeased. 00:02:41.940 --> 00:02:42.773 - Thanks Fluffy. 00:02:42.773 --> 00:02:44.420 We interrupt with some breaking news 00:02:44.420 --> 00:02:46.830 from our field reporter, Toronto's Onfire. 00:02:46.830 --> 00:02:47.710 Toronto's! 00:02:47.710 --> 00:02:48.860 - Thanks Beav. 00:02:48.860 --> 00:02:52.440 Toronto's Onfire here, coming to you live from Toronto. 00:02:52.440 --> 00:02:54.740 Guys, please don't make me do this. 00:02:54.740 --> 00:02:57.210 - What's going on in Toronto, Toronto's? 00:02:57.210 --> 00:02:59.230 - Yeah, what's the scoop Toronto's? 00:02:59.230 --> 00:03:02.060 - I'm begging you to left nut me off the hook. 00:03:02.060 --> 00:03:04.060 I asked for any other assignment. 00:03:04.060 --> 00:03:06.010 This feels wrong and murthy. 00:03:06.010 --> 00:03:07.475 - Push through the pain. 00:03:07.475 --> 00:03:09.590 - (yelling) Fine, you want the scoop? 00:03:09.590 --> 00:03:12.530 Turns out CNN's very own rascal, Wolf Blitzer, 00:03:12.530 --> 00:03:14.913 was caught attending a party with actual wolves. 00:03:14.913 --> 00:03:17.006 (coughing) 00:03:17.006 --> 00:03:18.060 (laughing) 00:03:18.060 --> 00:03:21.490 And get this, he was drinking a carbonated wine beverage 00:03:21.490 --> 00:03:23.370 that he claimed could heal his female sibling's 00:03:23.370 --> 00:03:25.020 friction-induced sore. 00:03:25.020 --> 00:03:25.853 - That means -- 00:03:25.853 --> 00:03:27.730 - Wolf Blitzer attended a wolf mixer 00:03:27.730 --> 00:03:29.220 while drinking a spritzer elixir 00:03:29.220 --> 00:03:30.800 to cure his sister's blister. 00:03:30.800 --> 00:03:33.340 And apparently the elixir was a success 00:03:33.340 --> 00:03:37.050 because Mr. Blitzer was hired at Tiffster as a -- 00:03:37.050 --> 00:03:38.060 - Tongue twister? 00:03:38.060 --> 00:03:39.673 - No, as a consultant, dumb ass. 00:03:39.673 --> 00:03:40.506 (laughing) 00:03:40.506 --> 00:03:41.850 That's all for me, gang. 00:03:41.850 --> 00:03:44.150 This is Toronto's Onfire reminding you 00:03:44.150 --> 00:03:47.550 that windbreakers should just be called fart jackets. 00:03:47.550 --> 00:03:48.662 Back to you, Beav. 00:03:48.662 --> 00:03:51.450 - Thanks, Toronto's, now back to you Toronto's. 00:03:51.450 --> 00:03:52.689 - Thanks, Beav. 00:03:52.689 --> 00:03:55.689 (repetitive music) 00:03:58.528 --> 00:04:01.361 (clearing throat) 00:04:11.212 --> 00:04:13.462 (laughing) 00:04:23.360 --> 00:04:25.010 That about does it for me. 00:04:25.010 --> 00:04:26.910 Now back to you, Beav. 00:04:26.910 --> 00:04:28.650 - Thanks, Toronto's. 00:04:28.650 --> 00:04:31.840 Before we go, our loser of the week is me 00:04:31.840 --> 00:04:34.650 because I couldn't keep it together. 00:04:34.650 --> 00:04:36.030 - Thanks for watching. 00:04:36.030 --> 00:04:37.220 - Ruff is a loser. 00:04:37.220 --> 00:04:39.470 (laughing)