WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:02.560 - [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California, 00:00:02.560 --> 00:00:04.340 the only news team that doesn't know 00:00:04.340 --> 00:00:07.060 what's on the teleprompter before they read it. 00:00:07.060 --> 00:00:10.200 Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. 00:00:10.200 --> 00:00:12.683 This is Breaking News. 00:00:14.480 --> 00:00:16.450 - Good evening, and welcome to Breaking News, 00:00:16.450 --> 00:00:18.610 the show where we don't know what we're about to say, 00:00:18.610 --> 00:00:20.340 and we're not allowed to smile or laugh. 00:00:20.340 --> 00:00:22.510 I'm Danny Number Three. 00:00:22.510 --> 00:00:23.970 - And I'm Original Danny. 00:00:23.970 --> 00:00:26.910 - If you find Danny Number Two, kill him on sight. 00:00:26.910 --> 00:00:30.810 - Tonight's top story: teeth, are they canceled? 00:00:30.810 --> 00:00:32.570 - A depressing study from Yale reveals 00:00:32.570 --> 00:00:34.660 the overwhelming majority of teeth are white, 00:00:34.660 --> 00:00:36.720 but many are committed to change that. 00:00:36.720 --> 00:00:39.430 I, for example, have permanently browned my teeth 00:00:39.430 --> 00:00:41.760 by kissing a ton of fucking bugs. 00:00:41.760 --> 00:00:43.840 - You know what I say about my teeth, Danny? 00:00:43.840 --> 00:00:45.980 They're stuck forever in my head, 00:00:45.980 --> 00:00:48.490 just like that song I wrote about the cyclops. 00:00:48.490 --> 00:00:50.050 - I do not know this song. 00:00:50.050 --> 00:00:51.301 Sing it now? 00:00:51.301 --> 00:00:55.221 - ♪ Oh, the big cyclops is discontent, ♪ 00:00:55.221 --> 00:00:57.209 ♪ Because his favorite Mexican restaurant ♪ 00:00:57.209 --> 00:00:59.000 ♪ Is closed for an event. ♪ 00:00:59.000 --> 00:01:00.470 I've only written the last line. 00:01:00.470 --> 00:01:01.410 - That's okay. 00:01:01.410 --> 00:01:03.280 I've only written the last scene of my screenplay. 00:01:03.280 --> 00:01:04.500 - And what happens in it? 00:01:04.500 --> 00:01:06.480 - A fat astronaut has sex with a train. 00:01:06.480 --> 00:01:08.710 - And now we go to Danny Number Eight with the weather. 00:01:08.710 --> 00:01:09.543 Danny? 00:01:09.543 --> 00:01:11.470 - Danny Eight here, thoughts going out 00:01:11.470 --> 00:01:13.450 to Dannys Four through Seven. 00:01:13.450 --> 00:01:16.780 We're all praying the missing Dannys will soon be found 00:01:16.780 --> 00:01:20.100 dead in a Jeep, or perhaps eaten by that cyclops 00:01:20.100 --> 00:01:21.130 from your song. 00:01:21.130 --> 00:01:23.520 - He only eats Mexican food, dumbass. 00:01:23.520 --> 00:01:25.340 - Tonight's weather is going to be 00:01:25.340 --> 00:01:27.550 those wet drops from heaven. 00:01:27.550 --> 00:01:28.490 What are they? 00:01:28.490 --> 00:01:30.370 Are they from God's sprinkler? 00:01:30.370 --> 00:01:33.690 Or maybe a goofy angel squeezed a water balloon 00:01:33.690 --> 00:01:36.410 too tight and it burst apart like a banana does 00:01:36.410 --> 00:01:38.740 when Donkey Kong gets mad and squeezes it 00:01:38.740 --> 00:01:41.690 because you told him about 9/11. 00:01:41.690 --> 00:01:44.410 You know, if an angel got my floor all wet, 00:01:44.410 --> 00:01:47.200 I think I'd say, "Hey, I'm walkin' here." 00:01:47.200 --> 00:01:48.480 Back to you, Tom. 00:01:48.480 --> 00:01:49.750 - We're all Dannys, Danny. 00:01:49.750 --> 00:01:52.180 - Hey, I need to get something off my chest. 00:01:52.180 --> 00:01:53.500 You know that cyclops? 00:01:53.500 --> 00:01:54.940 From my song? 00:01:54.940 --> 00:01:56.800 Well, he wears one of those joke hats 00:01:56.800 --> 00:01:59.430 with the long fake ponytail coming out of the back. 00:01:59.430 --> 00:02:01.420 I just didn't want you to think he was scary, 00:02:01.420 --> 00:02:02.760 because he's actually really funny 00:02:02.760 --> 00:02:03.960 when he's not drinking. 00:02:03.960 --> 00:02:04.860 - Thank you for sharing. 00:02:04.860 --> 00:02:05.693 - Yes. 00:02:05.693 --> 00:02:07.167 - Or as we like to say, "Houston, 00:02:07.167 --> 00:02:09.030 "we have a train full of cum." 00:02:09.030 --> 00:02:11.540 - Please don't test lines (laughs). 00:02:11.540 --> 00:02:12.500 Shit. 00:02:12.500 --> 00:02:15.430 Please don't test lines out from your screenplay. 00:02:15.430 --> 00:02:17.780 Hold on, there seems to be breaking news 00:02:17.780 --> 00:02:20.250 downtown at the March of the Sewer Men. 00:02:20.250 --> 00:02:23.260 We go live to Danny number Five? 00:02:23.260 --> 00:02:26.130 - Hey, Danny Five here, and I'm alive, 00:02:26.130 --> 00:02:28.270 barely and against my will. 00:02:28.270 --> 00:02:29.840 We are live at the sewer. 00:02:29.840 --> 00:02:32.050 Sewer men are rising up literally 00:02:32.050 --> 00:02:33.690 from the sewers and protesting. 00:02:33.690 --> 00:02:36.760 - And what rights are they demanding in this march? 00:02:36.760 --> 00:02:38.800 - They wanna meet the ninja turtles, 00:02:38.800 --> 00:02:41.830 but only the cartoon ones. 00:02:41.830 --> 00:02:44.420 - Now, Danny Six, I see that- 00:02:44.420 --> 00:02:45.880 - Danny Five. 00:02:45.880 --> 00:02:48.800 I'm Danny Five, Danny Six is fucking dead. 00:02:48.800 --> 00:02:50.500 Don't you ever confuse me with that 00:02:50.500 --> 00:02:52.350 rat-faced coin thief ever again. 00:02:52.350 --> 00:02:54.190 - Sorry to interrupt, but Danny Cinco, 00:02:54.190 --> 00:02:55.460 you should get off that street, 00:02:55.460 --> 00:02:56.900 for the wet drops are coming. 00:02:56.900 --> 00:02:58.300 They are coming for us all. 00:02:58.300 --> 00:03:00.080 No matter how sinless you live, 00:03:00.080 --> 00:03:02.350 or how deep you hide your darkness, 00:03:02.350 --> 00:03:05.410 wet drops will splash on your dang head. 00:03:05.410 --> 00:03:08.580 - Danny Five, the sewer men are in Independence Park. 00:03:08.580 --> 00:03:10.870 Many other groups have fought for rights 00:03:10.870 --> 00:03:12.830 on those lovely grounds. 00:03:12.830 --> 00:03:14.080 Name them for us now. 00:03:14.080 --> 00:03:15.830 - Oh, here I go. 00:03:15.830 --> 00:03:17.890 Crazy Horny Birdwatchers, 00:03:17.890 --> 00:03:20.820 The Sit-Up Challengers of Donny Osmond, 00:03:20.820 --> 00:03:22.960 Time Travelers Who Want to go Into the Future 00:03:22.960 --> 00:03:25.240 and Just Spank People and Leave, 00:03:25.240 --> 00:03:27.890 Underwhelming Beetlejuice Cosplayers, 00:03:27.890 --> 00:03:30.713 Best Buy Managers Going Through a Breakup, 00:03:31.880 --> 00:03:34.320 Crazy Horny Satanic Doll Makers, 00:03:34.320 --> 00:03:37.930 and of course, this is, this (laughs) fuck. 00:03:37.930 --> 00:03:41.330 This is home to The Great Spanking Confusion of 3048. 00:03:41.330 --> 00:03:42.500 - Thanks Danny 5. 00:03:42.500 --> 00:03:45.920 The street sounds crazier than a fuck train in space. 00:03:45.920 --> 00:03:50.100 - Stop testing lines out for your goddamn screenplay. 00:03:50.100 --> 00:03:51.950 That's it for us, but before we go, 00:03:51.950 --> 00:03:55.843 this week's loser is Patrick, a total dingus. 00:03:57.930 --> 00:04:00.472 (laughing) 00:04:00.472 --> 00:04:01.314 - [Director] And cut. 00:04:01.314 --> 00:04:02.326 (laughing) 00:04:02.326 --> 00:04:04.576 (clapping)