WEBVTT

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- [Announcer] From West
Hollywood, California,

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the only news team that doesn't know

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what's on the teleprompter
before they read it.

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Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.

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This is Breaking News.

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(gently chiming music)

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- Turns out it wasn't a dog after all.

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- Oh, really?
- I know,

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I don't know what it is.

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- But it got lost--

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- Good evening and
welcome to Breaking News,

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the show where we don't
know what we're about to say

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and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.

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I'm Gillian Goldensocks.

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- And I'm Bethany Trash. (laughs)

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(dramatic music)

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- A new climbing gym
has opened here in town

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and the city's soft, weak
hipsters are cheering.

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- Climbing gyms are all
the rage in neighborhoods

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that have a Sweetgreen.

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They answer the question,

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"What if CrossFit was somehow
more unsafe and more douchey?"

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- Members at Downtown
Boulders can climb walls

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up to 25 feet tall, instead
of going outside ever.

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Why would anyone climb free, real rocks,

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when they could climb wooden
ones for $175 a month?

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- Make no mistake,
climbing is bad exercise.

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It works like three muscles
and it moves really slowly.

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That guy from that movie
"Free Solo", Alex Honnold?

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I bet most people could kick his ass.

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- Downtown Boulders is
a part of the mayor's

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new Riverwalk initiative,
which brings new businesses

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to the ugly river of our lame city.

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(dramatic music)
(Gillian chuckles)

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(Bethany laughs)

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You see the same thing in
other second-rate towns

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like Cincinnati, Austin, and San Diego.

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- The Riverwalk will have a Buca di Beppo

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to stink up the whole place with garlic

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(Bethany laughs)

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and a dueling piano
bar called the Big Bang

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for anyone who loves Billy Joel music

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but wishes he told more dick jokes.

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- There will also Be Giggles,
an improv comedy theater.

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For anyone who hasn't seen
live improv, it's a must.

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It's a whole--
(Gillian laughs)

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It's a whole show of nervous 30 year olds

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trying desperately to out-joke each other.

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And everyone is so, so doughy.

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- You know, I used to do comedy.

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- Oh, yeah, tell me a joke.

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- Well, have you ever seen the one about

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a banana that goes outside into a green,

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green, green, green field?

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- Have I seen that joke?

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- It's a video.

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- [Bethany] Oh.
(dramatic music)

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- Have you seen it?
- No.

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- It's really funny.

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- Yeah.

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Sounds funny.
(dramatic music)

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- We now go to Mavis Martin,
who met with the winner

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of the Finn Wolfhard
Elementary School Science Fair.

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- Thanks Bethany!

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I had quite a morning talking
to these little geniuses.

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- (laughing) I'll bet Mavis.

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Who won?

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- It was a little boy
named Michael Doonesbury.

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He designed an experiment with
a potato gun about gravity.

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I don't remember much about
it because I was distracted.

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He's one of those little boys

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who you just know is gonna be gay.

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It was adorable.

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You know the type.

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He's eight and I thought he was

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going to dislocate a hip
from swishing so hard.

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- Cute!

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- He kept doing that
thing where he delicately

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pulls his bangs over the
side with his ring finger.

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He was kind of doing
duck face the whole time.

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- Terrific, did you
meet any other children?

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- Well, I met his friends.

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They were of course all girls.

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- Naturally.

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- I feel bad for them because they're all

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going to be in love with
him until he comes out.

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- Oh yes.

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They like that he's non-threatening
and they don't know why.

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- Exactly, big BTS posters
on all of their walls,

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I just know it.

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They'll all be on the lighting crew

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of the high school play together.

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- Mavis, did he ever
explain how gravity works?

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- Not really, honestly, I
don't know how it works.

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Do you?
- No, I don't.

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Bethany, do you know how gravity works?

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- I know the basics, but
the specifics elude me.

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- Me too.

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We are going to go,

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we're going to go to
reporter Susanne Pershing

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for information on a
manhunt underway downtown.

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Susanne, are you with us?

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- I am, Gillian.

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- Suzanne, rather than
tell us about the manhunt,

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can you explain, in
detail, how gravity works?

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- Certainly.

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- So, gravity is a force

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that operates at negative
9.8 meters per second squared

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and it is what keeps us
grounded into the earth.

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It is basically a mysterious
kind of thick mist

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that we all walk through everyday.

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And kind of, gradually as we age,

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it tapes us further,
further down into the earth.

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So, the older you are, the less
likely you are to fly away.

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- Oh, well, that's interesting.

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Say more about that.

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- Oh, and I will.

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(Bethany chortles)

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So, you know how I mentioned
it's like a thick mist?

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Scratch that, it's like
the biggest blanket

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you've ever seen, picture a blanket.

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Now double it, that's
what I'm talking about.

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So thick you can barely move through it.

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Imagine walking through
a big bowl of fudge.

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You can barely move, right?

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That's what gravity's doing to you.

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The only people who say
they've really experienced

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what it's like to feel free,

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have been in outer space and usually died.

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- Is acceleration connected
to or independent of gravity?

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- Hm, what a wonderful question.

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I think it's independent of
gravity but fuck if I know,

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you know what I mean.

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- Ow.
- Wow.

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- If I had to guess, I would say

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that an acceleration is sort of like

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when you're traveling
through that same blanket

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or fudge that we were
talking about really fast,

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so that would be the difference.

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Traveling really fast versus
traveling really slow.

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- Why is that?

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- Well, you see the fudge--

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(Gillian laughs)
(dramatic music)

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You see, wow, you're curious today.

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Well, you see, when--

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- The kid didn't answer me so
we'll need to hear from you.

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- Oh, interesting, okay.

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So I do remember from
whatever I'm reporting on,

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which is a crime, right,
that acceleration is,

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what, velocity over time or something.

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And that's what's interesting about it

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because other than that
no one really knows

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aside from my fudge analogy
in that little thing.

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- That all sounds right to me.

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- Oh, good!

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- That's all for us but before we go,

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this week's loser is Mary
Holland, what a schmuck.

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- Hey, thanks for watching.

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(Gillian laughs)

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(Bethany laughs)

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- Thanks for watching.

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- She's giving up.

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(Gillian and Bethany laughing)