WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.110 --> 00:00:02.440 - From West Hollywood California, 2 00:00:02.440 --> 00:00:04.260 the only news team that doesn't know 3 00:00:04.260 --> 00:00:06.970 what's on the teleprompter before they read it. 4 00:00:06.970 --> 00:00:10.100 Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. 5 00:00:10.100 --> 00:00:12.593 This is Breaking News. 6 00:00:14.490 --> 00:00:15.670 - Welcome to Breaking News, 7 00:00:15.670 --> 00:00:16.820 the only news program 8 00:00:16.820 --> 00:00:18.855 where we don't know what we're about to say. 9 00:00:18.855 --> 00:00:21.976 - And we're not allowed to smile or laugh. 10 00:00:21.976 --> 00:00:23.757 I'm Tom Hollandaise. 11 00:00:23.757 --> 00:00:25.474 - And I'm Walter Hollandaise. 12 00:00:25.474 --> 00:00:27.546 Tom is my idiot son. 13 00:00:27.546 --> 00:00:29.320 Our top story tonight; 14 00:00:29.320 --> 00:00:32.840 Tom went to Brown, then moved to be a news man 15 00:00:32.840 --> 00:00:34.070 which he could have done 16 00:00:34.070 --> 00:00:36.100 without all those student loans he got. 17 00:00:36.100 --> 00:00:37.560 - You heard it here first America. 18 00:00:37.560 --> 00:00:40.320 My father has no respect for the news business. 19 00:00:40.320 --> 00:00:42.140 - I have plenty of respect for the news business, 20 00:00:42.140 --> 00:00:43.793 I don't have respect for you. 21 00:00:45.570 --> 00:00:46.432 - Shut up! 22 00:00:46.432 --> 00:00:48.515 (laughs) 23 00:00:51.670 --> 00:00:53.240 Shut up! 24 00:00:53.240 --> 00:00:55.869 You don't talk to me that way anymore. 25 00:00:55.869 --> 00:00:57.830 I was in Afghanistan. 26 00:00:57.830 --> 00:01:01.570 - Ooo big man, big man thinks he's hot shit 27 00:01:01.570 --> 00:01:03.650 even though he lives in studio apartment. 28 00:01:03.650 --> 00:01:05.100 - It's a loft! 29 00:01:05.100 --> 00:01:08.720 That's what we're living in these days. 30 00:01:08.720 --> 00:01:10.850 It's cool, dad. 31 00:01:10.850 --> 00:01:11.987 - You call me sir! 32 00:01:16.090 --> 00:01:18.510 - I call my captain sir and no one else. 33 00:01:18.510 --> 00:01:19.905 - You arm wrestle me right now! 34 00:01:19.905 --> 00:01:20.960 (laughs) 35 00:01:20.960 --> 00:01:21.793 Huh? 36 00:01:21.793 --> 00:01:23.153 You arm wrestle me right now! 37 00:01:24.626 --> 00:01:25.826 - I'll break your wrist! 38 00:01:27.590 --> 00:01:29.673 (laughs) 39 00:01:34.545 --> 00:01:35.579 - He's supposed to win. 40 00:01:35.579 --> 00:01:36.800 (laughs) 41 00:01:36.800 --> 00:01:38.120 God damn it, alright. 42 00:01:38.120 --> 00:01:39.260 Well you've really shown me 43 00:01:39.260 --> 00:01:41.730 that you're something here today. 44 00:01:41.730 --> 00:01:42.950 I respect you son. 45 00:01:42.950 --> 00:01:44.752 - Yeah I respect you too sir. 46 00:01:44.752 --> 00:01:47.253 - (sighs) Please, sir is my father. 47 00:01:48.420 --> 00:01:49.253 Call me dad. 48 00:01:49.253 --> 00:01:50.180 - Yes sir. 49 00:01:50.180 --> 00:01:51.530 - We go now to our weather man, 50 00:01:51.530 --> 00:01:53.700 who is in fact my father. 51 00:01:53.700 --> 00:01:55.140 I call him sir. 52 00:01:55.140 --> 00:01:56.300 - Hear that everyone? 53 00:01:56.300 --> 00:01:58.930 My idiot son calls me by my first name. 54 00:01:58.930 --> 00:02:01.120 My name is Sir Hollandaise, 55 00:02:01.120 --> 00:02:02.860 and I'm here to tell you about the wind. 56 00:02:02.860 --> 00:02:03.693 I'll be honest, 57 00:02:03.693 --> 00:02:06.610 I became a weather person because my wife got pregnant. 58 00:02:06.610 --> 00:02:09.540 Anyway, I'm gonna try to work on out why wind exists 59 00:02:09.540 --> 00:02:10.900 right here in front you of. 60 00:02:10.900 --> 00:02:14.240 Maybe wind is caused by, and I know this sounds crazy, 61 00:02:14.240 --> 00:02:17.040 but maybe it's caused by wind mills? 62 00:02:17.040 --> 00:02:17.873 (laughs) 63 00:02:17.873 --> 00:02:21.040 Whatever, I don't owe anything to anybody. 64 00:02:21.040 --> 00:02:24.400 Eat my old man ass with the fold. 65 00:02:24.400 --> 00:02:27.073 Back to my dumb son and ugly grandson. 66 00:02:27.073 --> 00:02:29.290 (laughs) 67 00:02:29.290 --> 00:02:30.510 - Thanks grandpa. 68 00:02:30.510 --> 00:02:34.570 This just in, neither my father or I love you. 69 00:02:34.570 --> 00:02:36.146 - What? 70 00:02:36.146 --> 00:02:37.560 How dare you talk to my father that way. 71 00:02:37.560 --> 00:02:40.870 He's flawed but so is everyone else. 72 00:02:40.870 --> 00:02:44.253 - He ruined you the way a porcupine ruins a pumpkin. 73 00:02:47.120 --> 00:02:49.340 You've all seen the adorable videos, 74 00:02:49.340 --> 00:02:51.350 and now you've ruined me. 75 00:02:51.350 --> 00:02:53.590 - I'll show you ruined, arm wrestle me! 76 00:02:53.590 --> 00:02:55.500 - Tell me you love me! 77 00:02:55.500 --> 00:02:57.120 - I love you, I've always loved you. 78 00:02:57.120 --> 00:03:00.500 I just never learned how to show it from my father. 79 00:03:00.500 --> 00:03:01.780 - Now with sports. 80 00:03:01.780 --> 00:03:05.000 We go to my sister, Lisa Hollandaise. 81 00:03:05.000 --> 00:03:06.910 - Stunning lack of professionalism 82 00:03:06.910 --> 00:03:08.960 from the rest of my family on this broadcast. 83 00:03:08.960 --> 00:03:10.390 I apologize to you the viewer 84 00:03:10.390 --> 00:03:12.640 and vow to bring you the news from the world of sports 85 00:03:12.640 --> 00:03:14.570 with clarity and 86 00:03:14.570 --> 00:03:16.850 - I'm proud of you Lisa, and I've always been. 87 00:03:16.850 --> 00:03:19.620 - Then why didn't you come to my soccer games? 88 00:03:19.620 --> 00:03:21.120 - Because when I was a little boy 89 00:03:21.120 --> 00:03:24.441 I saw a dead body in the fields by the soccer field. 90 00:03:24.441 --> 00:03:27.230 - You missed all of the teams I was on! 91 00:03:27.230 --> 00:03:29.800 First there was Columbus City Kickers, 92 00:03:29.800 --> 00:03:33.300 then the Felix Autoparts Columbus City Kickers, 93 00:03:33.300 --> 00:03:35.780 then Felix Autoparts Kickers, 94 00:03:35.780 --> 00:03:38.420 then the Kicker McKickerface Kickers. 95 00:03:38.420 --> 00:03:41.600 Then the Arnold Palmer The Drink Not The Golfer Kickers. 96 00:03:41.600 --> 00:03:44.230 Then the Cortata Microsoft Kickers. 97 00:03:44.230 --> 00:03:46.530 Then the Am I allowed To Just Leave An Old Couch 98 00:03:46.530 --> 00:03:48.520 On The Street, I See It All The Time 99 00:03:48.520 --> 00:03:51.210 But I'm Not Sure What The Actual Rules Are Kickers. 100 00:03:51.210 --> 00:03:53.790 Then the George Bush Did 9/11 Kickers. 101 00:03:53.790 --> 00:03:56.120 Then the Bigsby By Samsung Kickers. 102 00:03:56.120 --> 00:03:57.961 Then the Naked Old Lady Who Won't Get Dressed 103 00:03:57.961 --> 00:04:00.450 In The Gym Locker Room Kickers. 104 00:04:00.450 --> 00:04:03.620 Then the Why Does The Produce Constantly Suck 105 00:04:03.620 --> 00:04:05.440 At Trader Joe's Kickers. 106 00:04:05.440 --> 00:04:08.330 Then the Guys Who Were Eagle Scouts In High School 107 00:04:08.330 --> 00:04:10.410 Are All Kinds Of Unbearable Now Kickers. 108 00:04:10.410 --> 00:04:12.700 And of course the Felix Autoparts Kickers. 109 00:04:12.700 --> 00:04:14.720 - You said that one already! 110 00:04:14.720 --> 00:04:17.010 - It was a different sponsor with the same name 111 00:04:17.010 --> 00:04:19.030 and that was just a coincidence. 112 00:04:19.030 --> 00:04:22.021 - I'm sorry I was afraid of the dead body. 113 00:04:22.021 --> 00:04:23.870 - I forgive you. 114 00:04:23.870 --> 00:04:26.360 - That's it for us today, but before we go, 115 00:04:26.360 --> 00:04:31.360 today's loser was me, for laughing too much. 116 00:04:31.615 --> 00:04:32.913 Thanks for watching. 117 00:04:34.160 --> 00:04:35.271 - That was really terrible. 118 00:04:35.271 --> 00:04:36.104 (laughs) 119 00:04:36.104 --> 00:04:37.480 That was honestly one of the worst performances 120 00:04:37.480 --> 00:04:39.180 that I've seen by a professional on camera. 121 00:04:39.180 --> 00:04:40.965 - You lost at the arm wrestling too. 122 00:04:40.965 --> 00:04:41.798 - Come on!