WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.360 - [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California, 2 00:00:02.360 --> 00:00:04.160 the only news team that doesn't know 3 00:00:04.160 --> 00:00:06.890 what's on the teleprompter before they read it. 4 00:00:06.890 --> 00:00:09.890 Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points. 5 00:00:09.890 --> 00:00:12.085 This is Breaking News. 6 00:00:12.085 --> 00:00:14.140 (dramatic music) 7 00:00:14.140 --> 00:00:16.000 - Welcome back to Breaking News, 8 00:00:16.000 --> 00:00:17.730 the show where we don't know what we're about to say 9 00:00:17.730 --> 00:00:19.920 and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh. 10 00:00:19.920 --> 00:00:22.320 I'm Brian Watterson. 11 00:00:22.320 --> 00:00:24.720 - And I'm Fat Bastard. 12 00:00:24.720 --> 00:00:27.150 (giggling) 13 00:00:27.150 --> 00:00:29.890 - Our top story tonight, the school admissions scandal 14 00:00:29.890 --> 00:00:32.270 has widened, with more parents bribing their children's way 15 00:00:32.270 --> 00:00:33.909 into college. 16 00:00:33.909 --> 00:00:35.600 - I ate a baby! 17 00:00:36.900 --> 00:00:39.530 - Interestingly, the scandal continues to include 18 00:00:39.530 --> 00:00:41.860 really middle-tier universities like USC, 19 00:00:41.860 --> 00:00:44.846 where no parent would ever be proud of their child going. 20 00:00:44.846 --> 00:00:46.768 - I'm bigger than you! 21 00:00:46.768 --> 00:00:49.750 I'm higher on the food chain. 22 00:00:49.750 --> 00:00:51.083 Get in my belly. 23 00:00:52.450 --> 00:00:54.380 - This reporter fears the scandal might grow 24 00:00:54.380 --> 00:00:56.150 to include Rice, which you hear about 25 00:00:56.150 --> 00:00:57.589 once every 10 years or so, Carnegie-Mellon, 26 00:00:57.589 --> 00:01:00.210 which is probably impressive if you had the misfortune 27 00:01:00.210 --> 00:01:01.820 of living in Pittsburgh, and Marquette, 28 00:01:01.820 --> 00:01:04.660 which I dare you to even guess what state that's in. 29 00:01:04.660 --> 00:01:07.860 - I got a crap pokin' out that could (giggles). 30 00:01:10.296 --> 00:01:13.803 I'm gettin' all emotional from it. 31 00:01:13.803 --> 00:01:14.636 - Mm. 32 00:01:14.636 --> 00:01:16.800 The scandal has extended to include my alma mater, 33 00:01:16.800 --> 00:01:17.930 Dartmouth University. 34 00:01:17.930 --> 00:01:20.540 Dartmouth, the Washington Generals of the Ivy League. 35 00:01:20.540 --> 00:01:22.930 Dartmouth, where the students bright enough for Columbia 36 00:01:22.930 --> 00:01:24.960 but not hot enough for New York. 37 00:01:24.960 --> 00:01:26.780 - Sorry, I fart. 38 00:01:28.370 --> 00:01:30.930 - Interestingly, Dartmouth doesn't have an official mascot 39 00:01:30.930 --> 00:01:33.150 because honestly, why would we ever need one? 40 00:01:33.150 --> 00:01:35.060 But our unofficial mascot, Keggy, 41 00:01:35.060 --> 00:01:36.830 is an anthropomorphic keg created by students 42 00:01:36.830 --> 00:01:39.560 because, get this, college students like beer. 43 00:01:39.560 --> 00:01:41.190 That's the kind of creativity and originality 44 00:01:41.190 --> 00:01:42.480 that got us into the Ivy League. 45 00:01:42.480 --> 00:01:44.600 Fat bastard, where di you go to college? 46 00:01:44.600 --> 00:01:48.470 - Pee (giggles) State. 47 00:01:48.470 --> 00:01:49.303 - Very good. 48 00:01:49.303 --> 00:01:53.112 We turn now to Bob Bulldog Brisco for sports. 49 00:01:53.112 --> 00:01:55.445 - (barking) 50 00:01:56.380 --> 00:01:58.810 Hey, Brian, hey, Fat Bastard, I'm here to talk about 51 00:01:58.810 --> 00:02:01.660 the sport of the summer, water skiing. 52 00:02:01.660 --> 00:02:02.890 Apple Valley Lake is holding 53 00:02:02.890 --> 00:02:04.770 it's annual water ski-off this weekend, 54 00:02:04.770 --> 00:02:06.443 and like anything involving boats, 55 00:02:06.443 --> 00:02:08.357 it's sure to be douche-y. 56 00:02:08.357 --> 00:02:09.190 - Hm. 57 00:02:09.190 --> 00:02:10.980 - People who own speed bumps are the same kind of people 58 00:02:10.980 --> 00:02:13.380 who think nobody hits their kids enough any more 59 00:02:13.380 --> 00:02:15.220 or who drink wine with ice in it. 60 00:02:15.220 --> 00:02:17.130 Summer on the lake looks like a PSA 61 00:02:17.130 --> 00:02:19.660 on the dangers of skin cancer. 62 00:02:19.660 --> 00:02:22.213 Everyone there is at best a libertarian. 63 00:02:23.210 --> 00:02:26.950 The ski-off is an amateur water skiing contest. 64 00:02:26.950 --> 00:02:29.307 That means people will mostly be spit (stammers). 65 00:02:31.210 --> 00:02:32.460 - What's that, Bulldog? 66 00:02:32.460 --> 00:02:37.460 - I said (pants) that means people (laughs). 67 00:02:42.290 --> 00:02:44.330 That means people will mostly be sitting on a boat 68 00:02:44.330 --> 00:02:45.860 with their cousin, trying to pretend to be 69 00:02:45.860 --> 00:02:48.420 in whatever baseball team he's talking about, 70 00:02:48.420 --> 00:02:50.730 waiting their turn to get in the water. 71 00:02:50.730 --> 00:02:53.120 Once they do, they'll try for 20 frustrating minutes 72 00:02:53.120 --> 00:02:55.128 to get up on skis before finally giving up 73 00:02:55.128 --> 00:02:56.573 out of embarrassment. 74 00:02:58.880 --> 00:03:01.520 The winner will be whoever is (giggles). 75 00:03:01.520 --> 00:03:03.070 The winner will be whoever is the first person 76 00:03:03.070 --> 00:03:05.490 to suggest tubing, water skiing's less cool 77 00:03:05.490 --> 00:03:07.340 but more fun friend. 78 00:03:07.340 --> 00:03:09.323 It's like I always say, tube! 79 00:03:10.176 --> 00:03:13.100 Tube, tube, tube! 80 00:03:13.100 --> 00:03:14.713 Tube you, Tubbs Tube. 81 00:03:15.810 --> 00:03:17.183 Fuck that (sputters and giggles). 82 00:03:19.560 --> 00:03:20.963 Back to you, Fat Bastard. 83 00:03:21.928 --> 00:03:24.833 - I eat because I'm unhappy. 84 00:03:26.496 --> 00:03:29.320 I'm unhappy (giggles) 85 00:03:31.060 --> 00:03:33.010 because I eat. 86 00:03:33.010 --> 00:03:35.610 - Speaking of which, let's go now to our restaurant critic, 87 00:03:35.610 --> 00:03:37.490 Golda Meir, no relation, 88 00:03:37.490 --> 00:03:40.240 Golda, you're at a pie festival, is that right? 89 00:03:40.240 --> 00:03:43.280 - That's right, Brian, I'm sampling all the pies 90 00:03:43.280 --> 00:03:44.910 made by local bakers. 91 00:03:44.910 --> 00:03:46.010 - And what's been the standout? 92 00:03:46.010 --> 00:03:47.650 - Oh, I always go for the classics, 93 00:03:47.650 --> 00:03:50.140 so there was a really tasty cherry pie. 94 00:03:50.140 --> 00:03:51.440 - Mm, sounds good. 95 00:03:51.440 --> 00:03:52.273 What else have you tried? 96 00:03:52.273 --> 00:03:55.670 - Oh, my, well, there's been apple pie, pumpkin pie, 97 00:03:55.670 --> 00:03:59.980 pump-can pie, pecan pie, pee-can pie, pee-pump pie, 98 00:03:59.980 --> 00:04:03.350 Boston cream pie, Austin cream pie, chicken pot pie, 99 00:04:03.350 --> 00:04:06.940 coward pot pie, strawberry pie, poon tang pie. 100 00:04:06.940 --> 00:04:08.130 - Oh, my! 101 00:04:08.130 --> 00:04:09.600 - It has a dirty name, yes. 102 00:04:09.600 --> 00:04:12.869 But it's made with a grapefruit curd and meringue. 103 00:04:12.869 --> 00:04:13.702 - Mm. 104 00:04:13.702 --> 00:04:15.437 - Don't worry though, it for sure tastes like pussy. 105 00:04:15.437 --> 00:04:17.690 (laughing) - Mm. 106 00:04:17.690 --> 00:04:21.570 - Mm, there was chocolate pie, Croc-lates pie, 107 00:04:21.570 --> 00:04:23.520 that's pie made with Crocs. - Mm. 108 00:04:23.520 --> 00:04:25.790 - Mincemeat pie, Prince meat pie, 109 00:04:25.790 --> 00:04:28.630 that's pie made from Prince's dead body, 110 00:04:28.630 --> 00:04:30.680 rinse meat pie, that's pie made from meat 111 00:04:30.680 --> 00:04:32.240 that you hold under the faucet, 112 00:04:32.240 --> 00:04:35.070 blueberry pie, and of course, humble pie. 113 00:04:35.070 --> 00:04:35.903 - I love pie. 114 00:04:35.903 --> 00:04:36.917 - I love gold! 115 00:04:39.710 --> 00:04:40.640 - We all do. 116 00:04:40.640 --> 00:04:42.120 That's all for us on Breaking News. 117 00:04:42.120 --> 00:04:44.840 Of course, this week's loser is Shukri Abdi. 118 00:04:44.840 --> 00:04:46.450 Keep up the good work, Shukri. 119 00:04:46.450 --> 00:04:48.030 Thank you for watching. 120 00:04:48.030 --> 00:04:50.040 Well, that was a good time. 121 00:04:50.040 --> 00:04:52.033 - That was a very good time!