WEBVTT

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- [Announcer] From West
Hollywood, California,

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the only news team that doesn't know

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what's on the teleprompter
before they read it.

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Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.

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This is Breaking News.

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Hello, and welcome to Breaking News,

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the show where we don't
know what we're about to say

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and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.

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I'm Buck Fruckster.

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(Erika laughs)

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I can't.

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Out of the gate.

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And to my left is anchor number two,

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she does have a name, and that name is--

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Glennn with three Ns (laughs).

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We begin tonight with the first story.

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(Erika inhales)
Babies.

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Babies are the shriveled rats
that husbands and wives make

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by peeing on each other.

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Everyone knows that babies
smell bad and suck at math.

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But did you know that
babies turn into people?

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Smart scientists at a university somewhere

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say that people used to be babies

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and when babies become enormous,
that's how people happen.

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Fascinating.

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So, I was a baby before I got so huge?

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Exactly.

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But babies don't stop changing

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once they shapeshift into people.

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When people die, they turn into skeletons,

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and the skeletons are made of bones,

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which are worth a lot of money.

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After you die, you can sell your bones

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to a weird dude on the (laughs) internet,

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and he will pay top dollar
to own your skeleton,

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and dress it up very sexy.

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(stifling laughter)

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He will kiss your skeleton (laughs).

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I can't wait to sell my bones
after I die and get rich.

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I will buy a boat with my bone money.

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Now we turn to the United Nations,

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the building where all the
countries scream at each other.

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Our world news correspondent, Dogboy.

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(women laughing)

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Our world news correspondent,
Dogboy Dimples,

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is live on the scene to
tell us what happened today.

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Dogboy, what's the scoopity-doopity-doo?

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Thanks, Glennn with three Ns.

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Major news happened at
the United Nations today

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when all the countries
declared peace on each other,

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so they could team up and kick my ass.

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(Brennan and Erika laughing)

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Russia and America agreed to be friends

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and are planning to take turns

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paddling my sweet little behind,

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and twisting my nips
till I scream for mercy.

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Dogboy, it sounds like you're terrible

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and deserve all this.

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Yes, Buck, I'm the worst.

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My stupid dumb ass face
is annoying as hell,

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and my piehole never stops yapping.

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What else will the
United Nations do to you?

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Well, Italy is going to hold my arms,

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and Peru is going to hold my legs

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so I can't run away like
the little bitch I am.

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France is going to spit in my hair,

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and China will give me a wet willy,

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then England will kick
me hard in the ribs,

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and all the country will laugh

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until they notice I'm not breathing.

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Countries will scream,
"What the fuck did we do?

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We went too far, oh, shit!"

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The nations of the world will
then panic, and run away.

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Thanks, Dogboy!

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We hate you, go fuck yourself,
and great work as always.

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I say tornado, you say tor-nah-do.

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No matter how you pronounce
it, the death toll is 85 dead

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(Trapp laughs)
and rising

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in the town of Smishburg after
a cyclone decimated it today.

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Our weather person, Crystal Lake,

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is on the scene of the tragedy.

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Crystal, tell us about that smushed city.

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One second there was no tornado,

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the next second it was tornado time!

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The whole town is a fucking mess,

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and I have a list of all the
buildings that were destroyed.

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Please read it.

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You must read it.

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Read it now.

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Okay, but only because I want to.

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The tornado wrecked the
town's all nude library,

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it demolished Concussion Stadium,

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the beloved football stadium
where high school kids

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get concussions, and
their proud parents cheer,

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"My son's brain is broken now!"

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It destroyed the wax museum that only

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has statues of Robert
Downey Jr. from when he was

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still addicted to drugs.

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The tornado also sucked all the
gorillas out of the town zoo

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and sent them flying
way high, into the sky,

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which is sad because they all died.

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But also was kind of hilarious to watch,

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because the gorillas were very surprised

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and had pretty goofy expressions.

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Just horrible.

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I wish that tornado was a
person so it could go to jail.

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(Amy laughing)

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(Erika laughing)

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(all laughing)

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(dramatic chords)

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It's (laughs)--

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(exhales) Yep.

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I also wish the tornado would go to jail.

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It's interesting you say that,

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because the jail was
also destroyed (laughs).

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I'm trying to do it, and not laugh.

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Amy's crying (laughs).

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(dramatic chords)

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Sorry, the jail was also what, Crystal?

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Destroyed (laughs).

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Oh, bummer!

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(wheezes) It's not working.

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And it wasn't like one
of those bad (laughs)--

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You think that's gonna help?

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Wow!

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(laughs) Jimmy Stewart.

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(Amy laughing)

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And it wasn't like one of those,

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and it wasn't like one of those bad,

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And it wasn't (laughs)--

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(dramatic chords)

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I think we've lost Crystal.
Okay.

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(shouts) And it wasn't
like one of those bad jails

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(laughs) with, like, injustice.

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It was a cool, Johnny Cash-style jail

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that people make awesome songs about.

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Total bummer (laughs).

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Crystal, did they say how
much it would cost to rebuild?

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Oh, they're not gonna bother.

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I'm saying the nice stuff
about the town right now,

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but honestly, it sucks,
mean people who deserved

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what they got.

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Mean people suck.

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I saw that on a T-shirt once.

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That's all the time we have for today.

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Before we go, we must
announce that today's loser

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is Amy Vorpahl!

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(Amy laughing)

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Surprising no one.

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(Trapp laughing)

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Incredible!

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A near 100% meltdown.

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I had my face planned,
and everything (laughs).

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You had your face planned?

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(all laughing)

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I have a face that I can
do that makes me not laugh,

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but it didn't work (laughs).

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What is your face that
makes you not laugh?

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I was trying to do it, it was--

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(all laughing)

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Yeah, that's not funny at all!

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What a perfect parachute,
a ripcord for you to pull

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in case things get too silly!

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(all laughing)

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Stop, please, it hurts!

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A fail safe strategy (laughs)
to never laugh again!

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(Brennan wheezing)

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Let me try that, see if that works.

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(all laughing)