WEBVTT 00:01.145 --> 00:02.530 - [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California, 00:02.530 --> 00:04.320 the only news team that doesn't know 00:04.320 --> 00:07.030 what's on the teleprompter before they read it. 00:07.030 --> 00:10.070 Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. 00:10.070 --> 00:12.663 This is Breaking News. 00:14.660 --> 00:16.600 - Hello and welcome to the Breaking News, 00:16.600 --> 00:19.470 The show where we have no idea what we're about to say 00:19.470 --> 00:21.740 and aren't allowed to smile or laugh. 00:21.740 --> 00:23.073 I'm Finna Getit. 00:24.360 --> 00:26.520 - And I'm Bette Menforever. 00:26.520 --> 00:28.540 Starting out with a little fun, 00:28.540 --> 00:30.650 we're getting reports of an armed robbery 00:30.650 --> 00:34.000 at the La Puente Pic 'N' Save. 00:34.000 --> 00:35.610 None were spared. 00:35.610 --> 00:36.443 - That is fun. 00:36.443 --> 00:38.863 On tonight's show: Teens. 00:40.720 --> 00:43.860 - What the latest teen craze could say about your parenting. 00:43.860 --> 00:46.780 - We'll also cover a recipe from my personal collection. 00:46.780 --> 00:47.930 - And get some answers on why 00:47.930 --> 00:50.450 everyone's mad at Buster Keaton. 00:50.450 --> 00:54.023 - Spoiler alert, he looks wet and that's hard to trust. 00:56.070 --> 00:59.730 - All that and more (laughs) 00:59.730 --> 01:00.680 - Keep it together. 01:01.770 --> 01:03.810 - All that and more spilling out 01:03.810 --> 01:05.430 of my little shrimp rocket 01:08.616 --> 01:09.450 in just a minute. 01:09.450 --> 01:12.560 - But first, let's pop, lock and drop on over 01:12.560 --> 01:13.491 to the weather, which due to our budget cuts, 01:13.491 --> 01:18.400 will be handled by our very own Bette Menforever. 01:18.400 --> 01:19.330 Bette? 01:19.330 --> 01:21.683 - That's me. (laughs) 01:24.870 --> 01:27.070 A cold is gonna take you. 01:27.070 --> 01:29.773 It's going to hold you down for eternity. 01:32.100 --> 01:33.440 I'm talking of course, about death. 01:33.440 --> 01:35.330 Back to you, Finna. 01:35.330 --> 01:36.905 - Thank you. 01:36.905 --> 01:37.738 That was honest and fair. 01:37.738 --> 01:38.571 Back to you. 01:39.530 --> 01:41.278 - And right back to you. 01:41.278 --> 01:42.111 - Thank you. 01:42.111 --> 01:43.000 Our top story for tonight: 01:43.000 --> 01:44.940 A bird gave birth on a child's 01:44.940 --> 01:48.100 birthday cake in MacArthur Park. 01:48.100 --> 01:48.933 Was it kismet? 01:52.310 --> 01:54.160 - Here's Gale Gobble on the scene. 01:54.160 --> 01:58.700 - Thanks Bette. I'm here (groans loudly) 01:59.750 --> 02:01.410 Thanks, Bette. 02:01.410 --> 02:04.030 I'm here with my dick in my hand in MacArthur Park. 02:04.030 --> 02:05.808 Witnesses reported a normal birthday, 02:05.808 --> 02:09.990 people by a lake holding red SOLO cups, 02:09.990 --> 02:12.740 and at least one person with a backwards hat. 02:12.740 --> 02:15.720 Moments later, a thick-ass bird 02:15.720 --> 02:18.100 blew her load all over the place. 02:18.100 --> 02:19.060 - Heartwarming. 02:19.060 --> 02:20.400 - Indeed. 02:20.400 --> 02:23.600 And now one question is on everyone's mind: 02:23.600 --> 02:27.918 Did you fart, or did I need dental work? 02:27.918 --> 02:31.240 Oh my, only time will tell. 02:31.240 --> 02:32.810 I'm Gale Gobble. 02:32.810 --> 02:34.680 Gobble, gobble, gobblin' up that pussy. 02:34.680 --> 02:37.203 Back to you. (laughs) 02:39.430 --> 02:43.520 - Well, you turd it (laughs) 02:43.520 --> 02:46.050 Well, you turd it fear cursed. 02:46.050 --> 02:47.590 We turn our attention over to 02:47.590 --> 02:50.783 the newest teen craze: crowning. 02:51.693 --> 02:55.440 All you need is your head and a flexible friend. 02:55.440 --> 02:57.416 - I'm sorry to interrupt, Bette, 02:57.416 --> 02:58.920 but we're getting some breaking news here. 02:58.920 --> 03:02.270 With that is our correspondent, Amy Schumer. 03:02.270 --> 03:03.290 - I feel pretty. 03:03.290 --> 03:04.950 - Never interrupt me again. 03:04.950 --> 03:07.360 I'm back again. Back for more. 03:07.360 --> 03:10.750 I'm a greedy little booty gargoyle, beauty carbroyle. 03:10.750 --> 03:13.740 Carl Sr. is my father, but enough about me. 03:13.740 --> 03:16.480 Ben Affleck is rolling out a clothing line 03:16.480 --> 03:17.810 for pear-shaped men, but will it last? 03:17.810 --> 03:19.360 - I certainly hope not. 03:19.360 --> 03:20.603 The pear apparel. 03:22.760 --> 03:24.640 This pear apparel apparently pairs 03:24.640 --> 03:27.923 flared wear with luxury pricing, 03:29.140 --> 03:31.500 and that really fucks my nuts. 03:31.500 --> 03:33.290 How about you, Finna? 03:33.290 --> 03:35.860 - Hell yeah, this whole thing sticks in my craw 03:35.860 --> 03:39.943 and it's not just a sticky little crumb like last time. 03:40.850 --> 03:44.350 - I'm in the same boat and I just pulled into Ellis Island. 03:44.350 --> 03:46.938 - We leave you now with our final segment: 03:46.938 --> 03:51.200 Cooking on a Dime. Put a thumb-sized piece of dough 03:51.200 --> 03:53.930 on your favorite ten-cent coin. 03:53.930 --> 03:57.070 And a saucy pepperoni and bake for minutes. 03:57.070 --> 03:58.080 - That's all the time we have. 03:58.080 --> 04:01.300 From Breaking News, I'm Bette Menforever. 04:01.300 --> 04:03.010 - And I'm Finna Getit. 04:03.010 --> 04:05.560 Before we go, we have some personal news. 04:05.560 --> 04:07.040 We're very proud to announce 04:07.040 --> 04:10.283 this week's Employee of the Week. It's Grant. 04:11.654 --> 04:14.348 - I'm pretty comfortable with that. 04:14.348 --> 04:15.810 (clapping) 04:15.810 --> 04:17.590 I think that makes a lot of sense. 04:17.590 --> 04:20.663 I feel like there's some things we're ignoring, but great. 04:21.600 --> 04:23.000 Thanks so much for watching.