WEBVTT

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- [Announcer] From West
Hollywood, California,

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the only news team that doesn't know

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what's on the teleprompter
before they read it.

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Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points.

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This is Breaking News.

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(dramatic music)

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- Hello, and welcome to Breaking News,

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the show where we don't
know what we're about to say

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and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.

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I'm Bob Sauce.

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- And I'm Bob Sauce.

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- Tonight, a big upset for
anyone looking to buy mattresses?

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- Mattresses?

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- You better believe it.

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- I don't.

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- [Black Suit Bob] Well start.

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- OK.

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Local mattress retailer Ass King

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discovered a little bedbug infestation

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in the padding of their
California Ass King mattress.

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- Now, Sauce, is that the same infestation

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that affected their twin
Ass Kings last fall?

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- The very same Ass King infestation.

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- Now regarding this infASStation--

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- Uh-huh.

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- What can consumers do to
make sure their own mattresses

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aren't ass-affected?

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- Interestingly, a
California-native species of spider

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is said to be the best way

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to fully examine, exterminate bedbugs.

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They are friendly to humans

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but love those li'l bugs.

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- [Black Suit Bob] Li'l bugs.

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- Li'l bugs.

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- Now, don't you think, Sauce,

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that this solution will create
a big spider infestation?

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- Hey, one problem at a time, am I right?

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- Now to throw it over to weather.

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- Hi, hi, I am the weather person,

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this is the weather update.

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Winds are moving in due east,

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so if you're trying to
dump your Ass Kings,

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be sure to do it before the wind strikes.

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- Dump our Ass Kings?

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- Dump our

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Ass Kings?

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You have to pause for a
stupid amount of time.

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- Dump your Ass Kings!

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Thanks, all, back to you.

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- Thanks, Saucy.

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Ooh, this just in, a Breaking News alert

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from our senior correspondent,
Little Shitty Cannoli.

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Little Shitty?

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- Thanks, Sauces.

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It appears that in response to
the Ass King mattress crisis,

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congressional representative
Todd Dumbass is issuing a ban

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on newly illicit substances

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said to attract bedbugs.

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The complete list is as follows:

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squeamy beavers,

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curdlin' weemers,

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pissy steamers,

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li'l dairy--

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li'l daisy creamers,

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and

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wailin'

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fatback

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weeners.

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- Oh, shit.

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- Senator Dumbass says this.

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Will ban, this ban will
be imposed indefinitely.

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Until we can crack the
Ass King infestation.

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- My, all this commotion
for an Ass King infestation.

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- Guess it's true what they say:

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Ass.

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- Ass.

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A-ha, ass, you said it, guys.

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Now that's all the time we have today,

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but we'll close with a
bit of personal news.

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Our employees of the week

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just couldn't stop smiling and laughing

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even though they're not allowed to.

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Congrats to our employee of the week,

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Grant!

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- What a dumbass.

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- So until next time,

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thank you from everyone
here at Breaking News:

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Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob
Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce,

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Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce,
Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce,

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Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob
Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce,

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Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce,
Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce,

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Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob
Sauce, Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce,

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Bob Sauce, Bob Sauce,

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Bob Sauce, and Little Shitty Cannoli.

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- Good night.

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- And dump your Ass Kings.