WEBVTT 00:00.000 --> 00:02.610 - [Narrator] From West Hollywood California, 00:02.610 --> 00:04.272 the only news team that doesn't know 00:04.272 --> 00:07.000 what's on the teleprompter before they read it. 00:07.000 --> 00:10.261 Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. 00:10.261 --> 00:12.094 This is Breaking News. 00:14.567 --> 00:16.380 - I'm Scrum Tooterscoots. 00:16.380 --> 00:19.367 - And I'm Danny Warbucks, no relation. 00:19.367 --> 00:22.113 - Teens, they're America's largest children. 00:22.113 --> 00:24.400 But could they also be the dumbest? 00:24.400 --> 00:27.557 Only months after satisfying their hunger for Tide pods, 00:27.557 --> 00:31.558 (laughs) teens have started a new dangerous fad. 00:31.558 --> 00:34.638 - Taking shits while standing up. 00:34.638 --> 00:37.602 - That's right, no squatting or bending or anything. 00:37.602 --> 00:40.643 Just standing perfectly straight and squeezing out a turd. 00:40.643 --> 00:44.462 - It's called Ann Coultering because your butthole is 00:44.462 --> 00:48.295 (suppressed laughter) 00:48.295 --> 00:49.853 unbelievably tight. 00:49.853 --> 00:52.713 You spew shit everywhere and when you're done, 00:52.713 --> 00:54.216 everyone hates you. 00:54.216 --> 00:55.855 - Though some doctors say Ann Coultering 00:55.855 --> 00:57.827 is physically impossible, others say, 00:57.827 --> 00:59.694 "No, I bet I could do it." 00:59.694 --> 01:01.683 Then everyone just sort of imagines 01:01.683 --> 01:03.855 how that whole thing would even work. 01:03.855 --> 01:06.067 Despite these warnings from the medical community, 01:06.067 --> 01:08.965 hundreds of teens have attempted the Ann Coulter Challenge, 01:08.965 --> 01:11.388 to the detriment of bathrooms everywhere. 01:11.388 --> 01:14.075 Asked about how the phenomemon has effected his bathroom, 01:14.075 --> 01:16.338 one Starbucks manager in Brooklyn said, 01:16.338 --> 01:17.951 "I have seen no difference". 01:17.951 --> 01:19.645 - Disturbing stuff, Scrum. 01:19.645 --> 01:21.256 - Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. 01:21.256 --> 01:23.902 - While YouTube has promised to remove all videos 01:23.902 --> 01:26.183 of lock-kneed teens dropping a deuce, 01:26.183 --> 01:29.591 more go up every day as people hear about the challenge 01:29.591 --> 01:32.897 and say, "Hey yeah, what would that look like?" 01:32.897 --> 01:36.306 - And, more importantly, what would it feel like? 01:36.306 --> 01:38.056 - Enticing questions, to be sure. 01:38.056 --> 01:43.056 And now, for entertainment news, we go to Chunch Cucumbers. 01:43.209 --> 01:44.042 Chunch? 01:44.042 --> 01:44.875 - [Chunch] Thanks, Scrum. 01:44.875 --> 01:45.708 If you're a fan 01:45.708 --> 01:48.773 of the Transformers movie, you're shit outta luck, 01:48.773 --> 01:51.234 because I'm gonna talk about "Call Me by Your Name." 01:51.234 --> 01:55.920 Big news for the peach that got fucked by Timothée Chalamet. 01:55.920 --> 01:58.334 This lovable bundle of juice is set to star 01:58.334 --> 02:02.430 in the remake of "American Pie 2" in the role of the pie. 02:02.430 --> 02:04.916 That's right, they're only remaking the second one. 02:04.916 --> 02:07.544 Also, Streep alert! Streep alert! 02:07.544 --> 02:10.825 Meryl Streep feasts tonight. (laughs) 02:10.825 --> 02:14.747 Hide your children and hang a bough of fresh rosemary 02:14.747 --> 02:17.041 over your door; Streep season is upon us. 02:17.041 --> 02:20.293 Streep will feast on the bones of the unworthy. 02:20.293 --> 02:22.726 Fear and glory to Streep! 02:22.726 --> 02:25.270 Finally, it's pilot season and America can't wait 02:25.270 --> 02:28.208 to see what piece of shit is only gonna last one month. 02:28.208 --> 02:30.082 The top contender this year is a show 02:30.082 --> 02:33.525 where a detective solves crimes but is also something else, 02:33.525 --> 02:36.000 like a werewolf or a time traveler or a man 02:36.000 --> 02:37.699 with a perfect memory or something. 02:37.699 --> 02:41.847 But, the greatest mystery is the one that he is closest to, 02:41.847 --> 02:43.650 like the murder of a family member. 02:43.650 --> 02:45.699 He could also be a licensed psychiatrist 02:45.699 --> 02:48.487 or a dog walker, or maybe he just has a mental illness. 02:48.487 --> 02:51.501 Yes, it seems like America is always ready 02:51.501 --> 02:54.263 to tolerate a show about a detective 02:54.263 --> 02:56.305 who is also one other thing, 02:56.305 --> 02:58.290 but only for about a month. 02:58.290 --> 03:00.237 - I'm sorry, Chunch, I'm gonna have to interrupt you. 03:00.237 --> 03:02.794 We're getting some breaking news from the mall. 03:02.794 --> 03:06.519 We go live to our man in the street, Twink Marmalade. 03:06.519 --> 03:08.884 Tell us what you're seeing, Twink. 03:08.884 --> 03:11.085 - Chaos, Scrum. Utter chaos. 03:11.085 --> 03:13.935 Starbucks is releasing seven new drinks 03:13.935 --> 03:15.845 and people are rioting. 03:15.845 --> 03:18.933 - What sort of new drinks are we talking about here, Twink? 03:18.933 --> 03:21.279 - Oh, you better believe I'm gonna list them. 03:21.279 --> 03:22.112 - Please do. 03:22.112 --> 03:25.624 - Nothing would make me, personally, happier right now 03:25.624 --> 03:28.924 than to hear you list a couple of new Starbucks flavors. 03:28.924 --> 03:31.180 - Then buckle up, Danny, because here I go. 03:31.180 --> 03:34.448 We've got the Caramel-fisted Bambino, 03:34.448 --> 03:38.590 the Blumpkin-spiced Latte, the Burnt Dinner Coffee 03:38.590 --> 03:42.319 poured by a brassy waitress who calls you "hon", 03:42.319 --> 03:45.612 Bread and Gravy Mocha, Salted Chapstick Macchiato, 03:45.612 --> 03:49.757 a cup full of bones, and something just called Jeremy. 03:49.757 --> 03:53.265 - Yum! I can't wait to pour some Jeremy down my throat. 03:53.265 --> 03:56.879 - (laughs) Then get down here, Scrum, 03:56.879 --> 04:01.879 and enjoy a piping hot venti Jeremy while you still can. 04:02.328 --> 04:04.085 - We will! Thanks, Twink. 04:04.085 --> 04:05.120 - Thank you, Danny. 04:05.120 --> 04:06.829 - No, thank you! 04:06.829 --> 04:07.998 - Okay. 04:07.998 --> 04:09.971 - Well, that's all the time we have. 04:09.971 --> 04:13.229 To all our viewers at home, good night or good luck. 04:13.229 --> 04:14.960 And an extra special congratulations 04:14.960 --> 04:17.213 to our employee of the week this week. 04:17.213 --> 04:18.854 We aren't supposed to laugh or smile 04:18.854 --> 04:20.757 and this person really beefed it the most. 04:20.757 --> 04:22.757 Congrats to Ally. - What? 04:23.709 --> 04:26.311 (claps) 04:26.311 --> 04:27.311 - Thank you.