WEBVTT 00:00.000 --> 00:00.500   00:00.500 --> 00:02.490 - From West Hollywood, California, 00:02.490 --> 00:05.640 the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter 00:05.640 --> 00:07.050 before they read it. 00:07.050 --> 00:10.350 Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. 00:10.350 --> 00:14.160 This is Breaking News. 00:14.160 --> 00:16.170 - Good evening and welcome to Breaking News. 00:16.170 --> 00:19.050 - The show where we don't know what we're about to say 00:19.050 --> 00:21.930 and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh. 00:21.930 --> 00:23.640 - I'm Taffy Moops. 00:23.640 --> 00:26.830 - And I am O.K. Simpson. 00:26.830 --> 00:29.940 - Tonight, ho, ho, ho, no. 00:29.940 --> 00:31.590 You're not hearing things. 00:31.590 --> 00:34.770 That's the sound Santa Claus makes plus an extra ho. 00:34.770 --> 00:35.700 - No. 00:35.700 --> 00:37.480 Yes, it's Christmas in July-- 00:37.480 --> 00:40.320 [LAUGHTER] 00:40.320 --> 00:41.910 Oh I've immediately failed. 00:41.910 --> 00:43.380 [LAUGHTER] 00:43.380 --> 00:46.410 And we've got the lowdown on the hottest toys this holiday 00:46.410 --> 00:47.160 season. 00:47.160 --> 00:50.630 - Kids can't get enough of our R2 Fuck You, 00:50.630 --> 00:53.345 the rude little robot that hates his parents. 00:53.345 --> 00:54.636 [LAUGHTER] 00:54.636 --> 00:55.612 - Fuck. 00:55.612 --> 00:58.060 [LAUGHTER] 00:58.060 --> 00:58.680   00:58.680 --> 01:01.290 - This little shit fucking sucks and I hate it. 01:01.290 --> 01:03.630 - But your children love it. 01:03.630 --> 01:06.529 - This toy is a bad influence, just like that kid 01:06.529 --> 01:08.820 you weren't supposed to play with when you were little. 01:08.820 --> 01:09.590 - Jonathan? 01:09.590 --> 01:10.920 - Yes, Jonathan. 01:10.920 --> 01:14.640 R2 Fuck You already has a soft little mustache, 01:14.640 --> 01:17.370 knows a lot about guns, and hates wearing a shirt. 01:17.370 --> 01:19.770 - He's got a big dogs hat and milk crust 01:19.770 --> 01:21.360 in the corner of his mouth. 01:21.360 --> 01:24.720 - And he knows a surprising amount about sex. 01:24.720 --> 01:27.060 - If you buy R2 Fuck You, remember 01:27.060 --> 01:29.550 to pick up a few packs of D batteries, 01:29.550 --> 01:31.680 because, baby, you'll need them. 01:31.680 --> 01:33.120 - Remember D batteries? 01:33.120 --> 01:36.060 Well, they're back and heavier than ever. 01:36.060 --> 01:39.090 - Load them up like shotgun shells in this disrespectful-- 01:39.090 --> 01:39.590 [LAUGHTER] 01:39.590 --> 01:42.360 Robot and let it corrupt your children. 01:42.360 --> 01:45.720 - Other popular toys this season include your Little Pony, 01:45.720 --> 01:48.540 Tickle Your Elmo, and Yorn craft. 01:48.540 --> 01:52.160 - We now go to Skimberly Milk with the Sports Report. 01:52.160 --> 01:53.060 Skim? 01:53.060 --> 01:54.000 - Thanks, Taffy. 01:54.000 --> 01:55.470 The Washington Redskins announced 01:55.470 --> 01:58.170 that they'll change their name to the Washington Denver 01:58.170 --> 01:59.370 Nuggets. 01:59.370 --> 02:01.500 Xavier has decided to open a college 02:01.500 --> 02:03.630 to support its baseball team. 02:03.630 --> 02:05.820 And Mr. Met is in critical condition 02:05.820 --> 02:07.290 after a terrible misunderstanding 02:07.290 --> 02:08.430 involving his head. 02:08.430 --> 02:09.180 All that to come. 02:09.180 --> 02:11.790 But first, soccer has been officially declared 02:11.790 --> 02:13.800 the Rick and Morty of sports-- 02:13.800 --> 02:16.860 a highly entertaining spectacle with just the worst fucking 02:16.860 --> 02:17.710 fans. 02:17.710 --> 02:20.280 Yes, whether you suddenly started using the word 02:20.280 --> 02:23.610 lads or you won't shut up about your one visit to Europe, 02:23.610 --> 02:25.380 you all fucking suck. 02:25.380 --> 02:27.540 That's it for the Sports Report until next time, 02:27.540 --> 02:29.775 I'm Skimberly Milk. 02:29.775 --> 02:30.690 - Thanks, Skim. 02:30.690 --> 02:32.400 I'm getting word of breaking news. 02:32.400 --> 02:34.710 For more on this story, we turn to our reporter 02:34.710 --> 02:37.090 in the field, Sumptuous Cream. 02:37.090 --> 02:39.150 Sump, what's going on out there. 02:39.150 --> 02:40.290 - Tragedy, OK? 02:40.290 --> 02:41.850 Total tragedy. 02:41.850 --> 02:44.460 It appears there has been yet another mistake at the Fruit 02:44.460 --> 02:46.770 Roll-Up factory, this time resulting 02:46.770 --> 02:50.190 in the creation of Tropical Kiwi Threesome Roll-Ups-- 02:50.190 --> 02:52.500 and the loss of seven lives. 02:52.500 --> 02:54.210 - How terrible. 02:54.210 --> 02:54.720 - Yes. 02:54.720 --> 02:56.580 And this same negligent factory has 02:56.580 --> 02:58.950 12 accidents in the past year alone, 02:58.950 --> 03:04.360 leading to, Oops, All Wrapper, Uh-uh, Beef on the Inside, 03:04.360 --> 03:08.470 Fuck Three-sided Roll-Ups, Envelope Glue Flavor, 03:08.470 --> 03:13.050 the Disembarkment of Ford Workers and Lame-Ass Ranch. 03:13.050 --> 03:14.400 - A shocking disaster. 03:14.400 --> 03:17.040 What fun Fruit Roll-Ups will they roll out next? 03:17.040 --> 03:19.110 - God willing, none. 03:19.110 --> 03:20.940 - Well, thanks Sump. 03:20.940 --> 03:25.530 Sumptuous cream will have more on this story as it develops. 03:25.530 --> 03:27.870 - And that's all we have time for for now. 03:27.870 --> 03:30.990 We close with a bit of personal news-- oh no. 03:30.990 --> 03:33.030 Our employee of the week just couldn't 03:33.030 --> 03:37.620 stop smiling and laughing even though they're not allowed to. 03:37.620 --> 03:40.800 Congrats to our employee of the week-- 03:40.800 --> 03:41.370 oh no. 03:41.370 --> 03:42.570 It's me. 03:42.570 --> 03:44.220 - Well, until next time. 03:44.220 --> 03:47.610 Thank you from everyone here at Breaking News. 03:47.610 --> 03:50.490 Taffy Moops, O.K. Simpson, Skimberly 03:50.490 --> 03:52.930 Milk, and Sumptuous Cream. 03:52.930 --> 03:54.830 Good night.